RUWAGirl: The Blog

Sometimes people celebrate holidays without really thinking about it.  They don’t think of the origins behind the holiday.  The unfortunate thing about society is that holidays now are nothing more than a cash grab and many people don’t stop to consider why those days became a holiday.  Today it’s Thanksgiving in Canada.  Many people think of turkey, stuffing, cranberries and relatives on this day.  When I think of Thanksgiving…I’m not thinking about food.  I’m thinking about just how much I have to be grateful for.  Most people can complain about what they don’t have but the truth is that many of us have so much more than many countries.  Most of us can say we have a place to live, food to eat and clothes to wear.  That is a lot compared to some countries.  I think that society has become so spoiled in this ‘microwave’ era.  We want everything right now and we think we deserve everything for nothing.  Personally I’m disgusted with how some people behave, eg: They don’t have patience to wait in line at a store for five minutes, or if their TV breaks down they feel it necessary to yell at the person who is trying to get it fixed.  Bottom line…people today are spoiled, unthankful and ungrateful.  It’s nothing to be proud of.  I for one am very thankful for everything that I have and if something goes wrong in my life I’m certainly not going to use someone else or a deity as a scapegoat.  There comes a time when we have to be accountable for our words and actions.  Pain in life is inevitable but misery is optional.  We have the choice each day to either be in a good mood or a bad mood–regardless of the circumstances.  As Ghandi once said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

I was appalled to see a clip online where Robert Pattinson, who played “Edward” in Twilight, was hounded and practically assaulted by female fans on the set of his current movie Remember Me.  What is wrong with these people?  That poor guy looked so uncomfortable.  He was being so gracious with these fans but the truth is that they never should’ve touched him!  I can’t imagine the stress he must be under right now.  I admire him but I just feel as though his fans need to give him a break and leave him alone!  I fervently pray that this doesn’t adversely affect him.  It would be wise for the producers of this new movie to invest in some better security for the guy if they want him to continue.

There has been quite a lot of media saturation regarding this movie and the actors involved.  I suppose I have to express with relief that I’m unknown in the eyes of the world and I don’t have to endure countless hours of scrunity and criticism that these actors or the directors have to.  I’ve read some of the blogs, comments and opinions regarding the Twilight movie and the actors chosen to star in it.  A lot of these comments are just simply unjust.  It’s easy to tell someone how to do something but it’s quite a different story to actually do it yourself.  It’s not easy to turn a book into a screenplay that flows flawlessly into a movie.  I can appreciate that there are just going to be some things that can’t be included in the movie and there are going to be details that may be construed in such a way as to make the movie flow more naturally.  Personally I think the movie was great–I probably would’ve watched it if it was 3 hours but nonetheless it didn’t disappoint me at all….and I’ve read that book probably 10 times! 

I also believe that the actors/actresses who were chosen were a good fit to the characters.  I know there is a lot of speculation about this but I just couldn’t imagine different people playing these roles.  I appreciated what they brought to the roles and the fact they will remain in the next movie New Moon.  I certainly can’t imagine a better choice for the role of “Edward”.  I think that Robert Pattinson brings such an authenticity to this role that can’t be replicated by someone else.  You can see and feel the anguish through his portrayal of Edward.  I’m very glad he is staying throughout the rest of the series.  Due to the hype of the movie and book series I feel very bad for Robert because every single thing he says or does is etched somewhere in “medialand” where it can be inaccurately conveyed and distorted.  While I don’t know him, he seems refreshingly real and modest–a rare commodity in Hollywood–and is now subject to constant scrunity by the press and public.  I can’t even imagine what it must be like to encounter that type of publicity–no privacy, walking out the door to meet a friend and then that friend is suddenly your “partner”, and then having to clarify details about your private life that nobody has any right knowing about in the first place.  Poor guy–I hope he takes comfort in the fact there are people who love and accept him for who he is and not only the role he portrays.  I hope his family and friends are truly there for him throughout this media blitz.  I guess that’s fame and fortune: one minute nobody knows who you are and don’t even care–the next you are in every magazine and everyone wants a piece of you.  I’m so glad that I chose not to pursue any acting or professional singing despite what people have suggested.  I just simply have no tolerance for that kind of media scrutiny or duplicity… back to him though… I am however rather curious to see his musical talent amplified.  He seems to be naturally gifted for songwriting and playing instruments.  I hope to see more of his songs in the upcoming soundtracks of the Twilight movies, because I feel that it would be waste of genuine talent without his musical contribution.

I had never heard of Twilight until my friend and fellow co-worker gave me the book to read early in February.  I remember hearing passing comments from other co-workers who were reading the book but it never drew my interest for two reasons: 1) vampires - although I didn’t mind the odd film about them I became bored about the same descriptions about them (evil blood sucking enemies bent on killing off all of humanity and 2) I’m not big on “romance” novels.  No offense to all the wonderfully gifted authors who publish wonderful romance novels but they also seemed to be the same to me–some unrealistic fantasy that the real men around us could never attain to–so why bother taking the already precious limited time I have to myself to waste on that?? 

Well I stand corrected on both thoughts.  From the moment my friend told me, not asked, but reached across my desk and handed me the book and told me to read it–I’ve become enthralled.  I was very pleasantly surprised at what I encountered through this book series.  The last time I was that excited to read a book series was the Lord of the Rings trilogy.  This book captivated me because I noticed something quite different in these stories from the rest.  I’ve become used to the onslaught of an over-sexualized culture through the media never giving account for the heartbreak associated with it–and yet here was a book series that actually described true and undefiled love.  I was amazed because it addressed real human needs and desires but focused on how the characters loved each other so selflessly.  There was no profanity, no ridiculously over-emphasized promiscuity or vulgarity.  I suppose this impressed me because unlike so many I’m not desensitized by the lies that the media tries to feed us about self-gratification without consequences–especially where irresponsible behaviour is concerned.  I may be one of the precious few people out there but I truly believe that there is a wonderful soulmate for each of us–one who is best suited to us.  Maybe I can relate to “Edward” because until I meet my soulmate I have no interest in anyone else.  I’m secure enough to know that I can be alone because I quite simply haven’t found that person yet and I don’t feel incomplete just because I’m single.  I don’t need to date just “anyone”  or try to find that guy because I am fulfilled and have peace within.  I’m not trying to fit into the mold that society thinks I should fit into.  No thanks!  I’m my own person and will think my own thoughts.   Enough of the rant back to the book… I was very impressed with the author’s original perspective about a very different breed of vampires.  Vampires who weren’t out to destroy humanity but who could actually develop and maintain love for one another and for the humans around them.  What a refreshing difference!  And the comedic one-liners!!!  In the midst of this series I was laughing out loud from some of the comments by the characters.  All in all I was very pleasantly surprised by the book series and I do truly hope that the author will publish Midnight Sun.

I’m sure that anyone can name something that they’ve said or done that they regret.  It can be simple or complicated.  Regret has no boundaries–in fact if someone is consumed with regret over something it will cause an overwhelming sense of guilt which will lead to depression and or self-condemnation.  While there isn’t anything wrong with acknowledging a mistake or failure—basking in the sinking sand of regret will only keep you chained to the very thing that you want to be free from.  I know this personally.  In the past I had squandered a lot of precious time in regret/guilt/condemnation over so many things.  The biggest one was past relationships.  I regretted that I had allowed myself, due to extreme hurt and insecurity, make very poor choices when it came to men.  It’s really sad the things we tolerate because of insecurity, fear or worry.  I’m glad to say that is in the ancient past and I’ve since then become quite secure and remain very happily single.  However it has to be said that at the dramatic/painful conclusion of a couple of past relationships, I experienced such extreme regret that it almost destroyed me.  It is hard to face the truth that you allowed yourself to be treated a certain way even when you knew in your heart it was hurting you and/or your family.  While I wasn’t to blame for the way I was treated–the regret came because I allowed myself to be treated that way.  I’m sure you’ve heard one or more of these questions: “If only I had left sooner?”,  “I wish I never met him”, “Why did I go back–when I knew in my heart that he hadn’t changed?”, “Why didn’t I listen to my ‘gut’ feeling that I shouldn’t get involved with him”.  The list of “shoulda” “coulda” “woulda”’s could go on for miles.  The problem is that every time you allow yourself to think these thoughts and dwell on them–you become consumed with the past and how it “could’ve” been different.  However focusing on the past prevents you from moving ahead and embracing your future.  Dwelling on the past will only depress you because you can’t change it–it’s out of your control now and that is where the guilt, self-condemnation and depression can take over.  I finally broke free from this when I realized that I can’t make better choices if I’m constantly looking behind me.  How can I go forward if I look back.  Try it, try to actually walk forward while you are looking behind you.  It doesn’t work–you will hit a wall or something–either way the destination you end up at will be the opposite of where you intended to go.  I had to search deep within myself and conquer the fears that kept me bound to those choices/mistakes/failures.  What was the root cause of allowing myself to put up with the things that I did or settle for less than what I deserved?  I came up with a few roots: insecurity, fear, worry.  Most of them were well established in some form of rejection and abandonment from my childhood.  Due to the fear of abandonment or rejection an insecurity arose within me to accept certain behaviour because “what if I couldn’t get better?”  That of course is a lie–one that I had believed by the influence of those around me.  So I tolerated the disrespect and irresponsibility until I reached a point of desperation.  And that point came while I was watching a couple of movies: “The Perfect Man” and “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”.  Now I’m not really into a lot of “chick flicks” but both of these movies had storylines where the children in them were adversely affected by the choices of their mother.  Then it hit me–I didn’t want my daughter to make the same mistakes that I did or settle for second best because she didn’t think she couldn’t get any better.  At this defining moment I asserted myself with the man that I loved and tried to set some boundaries–to my shock, although he professed his love for me, he couldn’t bring himself to make the necessary changes to heal our relationship.  At this point my dreams came crashing down–I mean this was the man whom I thought I was going to marry, we had rings picked out and plans for a tropical wedding to take place only a few months later–he was claiming to love me and want to be with me–but yet couldn’t make some healthier choices for our family??? It didn’t make any sense to me.  I knew that he was probably afraid but he chose out of fear to stay in dysfunction instead of taking a step forward to fight for us.  And that is when I knew I would never be the same….because the truth is that the road I was heading onto was a completely different path from his.  Moving out was one of the hardest things I have ever done–because I was leaving someone who didn’t want me to leave, who still loved me and wanted us to be together but who was insecure and afraid to confront the lifestyle that was destroying him.  And I never wanted to leave—but I HAD to.  I couldn’t allow our daughter to learn how to tolerate something that wasn’t good for her–and that is what I would’ve done if I had stayed…because the lifestyle wasn’t beneficial for us.  Bottom line:  I made a choice that day for a better future.  I can’t say it was easy because break-ups are never easy.  I had to work through a lot of pain and disappointment.  I did have some initial regrets–but not about leaving because it was the right thing to do.  It was more like why didn’t I do it sooner?  And it was no reflection on him as a person because he was a great guy–but a guy who was very hurt, messed up and had rejection issues.  When you put 2 hurting people together it’s inevitable that they will hurt each other in the long run because they have open emotional wounds.  And that is the problem with most relationships–most people have baggage from previous relationships that they carry into the new relationship instead of getting some healing before meeting someone new.  And down the road because you haven’t dealt with the hurt and pain of the previous relationship–it starts to fester and poisons your current relationship.  Most people don’t learn from the mistakes they made or experienced in their previous relationships–so they make the same ones or even worse in the next relationship.  This is why more than 75% of all 2nd marriages end in divorce.  I’m not implying that dealing with the hurt, rejection or disillusionment is easy.  Make no mistake to actually deal with the pain is hard–it’s not the easy road for sure but it’s the right path to a whole healed heart.  Then when the process is over you are actually ready to meet someone who is best suited to you–and not just someone you are merely “attracted” to.  But it takes tenacity and strength to wait for the right person and not settle.  If you’re unhappy by yourself–you will NOT be happy with someone in your life.  Putting all your dependence for happiness and fulfillment in a person backfires because people are human and are bound to let you down.  And if you don’t deal with your emotional baggage you are a prime target to allow the WRONG person into your life–thereby repeating the cycle of unhealthy choices which is the very thing you are trying to stop.  Sobering facts yes–but I hope they are helpful.  Please don’t make the same mistakes I did.

It is amazing to me how many people have these great intentions about changing the course of their lives but yet don’t want to face the reality that there are some things that need to change before they get there.  They don’t really want to hear the truth because the truth hurts.  The truth will expose certain behaviours, attitudes, habits, thinking, speaking, …etc that will not be pleasant to acknowledge.  Yet it’s only when you accept the truth about where your choices have led you that you are now in a prime position to change your life.  You can’t keep repeating the same mistakes of the past and expect a different result.  If you want to change your life for the better then you need to make different choices so you don’t end up on the same road.  If you think you are going forward but are constantly looking backwards then you are not moving ahead you are merely going around in circles and will end up in the same destination as you were before. 

 Example #1

 How many people want to lose weight?  But how many people are actually willing to put the effort forth and properly lose weight in a healthy manner?  Most people want the desired end without having to do the work to get there.  Everyone wants weightloss in a pill, or a shake, or a cream…but it was your unhealthy habits that caused you to gain the weight (in most cases) so that means you need some healthy, permanent, habits to cause you to lose weight or else the weight loss will be temporary.   I can name some pretty famous celebrities who keep losing and gaining weight yet they have all the money, trainers and healthy food at their disposal.  The real problem is that they want a quick fix but they don’t want to really change their lifestyle permanently because it’s hard work and it hurts.  What they don’t realize is that they are causing themselves more harm then good fluctuating up and down all the time.  It causes more strain on the physical body to keep going up and down in your weight.  The bottom line…people want the results but they don’t want to change.

Example #2

Everyone wants to be rich but how many people are willing to be disciplined in their finances and work hard to get the desired results?  Most people slack off in paying their bills, they overspend, live cheque to cheque and yet they will gamble or play the lottery to get rich quick.  If you don’t know how to budget your money when you have only a little bit then you won’t be able to keep a large sum around if you do get it because you don’t know how to budget properly.  And why should you even be entrusted with a large sum of money if you can’t even be trusted to be responsible with the little you have?  I have known people to get an inheritance which could have lasted their whole lifetime but because they didn’t know how to budget properly it was gone in a matter of months or years. 

I’m not saying that hearing the truth is easy but the rewards of listening to the truth and changing your life for the better are far greater than the temporary discomfort caused being confronted by it.   I would rather hear the truth and be hurt if it means that the changes I implement cause me to avoid a catastrophe later.  Something to think about. 

I believe that society in general is out of control financially.  Most are manipulated into thinking that the more “stuff” you get the happier you’ll be.  An easy way to disprove that myth is just take a look at Hollywood–people with millions of dollars yet so very unfulfilled and unhappy.  What I think is that people are spending money they don’t have to try to fill some void within them.  Whether they grew up watching their parents live cheque to cheque or in poverty (like me), or whether circumstances and pain in their lives have caused them to develop habits that provide a temporary solution to the void in their spirit.  Whatever emptiness you feel inside is not going to be filled with a car, or a house, or money or …etc.  Some people have this overwhelming need to compete with others when it comes to material possessions or to “save face” if there was some kind of bad history there like they have something to prove.  The problem is that when you mismanage your finances–you are not only hurting yourself–but whomever comes into your life.  When you live beyond your means–you are only going to cause undue stress on the people in your life, be it your parents, partner or kids.  Whatever temporary joy you had in purchasing that “item” or “items” will fade quickly when you realize that the impulsive move you made to buy those things is going to put you into debt that you can’t pay for.  If you can’t pay your basic bills like rent/mortgage, utilities, phone …etc then you certainly shouldn’t be spending money on frivolous things that can wait.  If you have a tight budget then you need to pay your basic bills and take care of payments on your already pre-existing debts NOT go and get yourself more in debt.  I know so many people who are doing this and their relationships are suffering or they are so stressed out that it has caused severe health problems because of it.  Do you realize that the number one cause of divorce or separation in relationships is: MONEY?? And…most of the time it has to do with one person or the other not being responsible with the finances.  Is losing your family really worth having all that debt?  Why not look at the real reason you are spending the money…maybe to feel important, secure, special, …etc.  What is the driving force behind the spending?  When you look deep into your heart what is it that you feel that causes you to overspend?  If you are looking for stability, acceptance, esteem, worth…it’s not going to come from your wallet.  It’s going to come from within.  Do some “internal” housecleaning and face those “ghosts” of your past that are haunting you or tormenting you because they are destroying you.  You need to deal with these things before your life gets worse.  Believe me, I know, I’ve been tormented by past situations, mistakes, abuses, decisions… but I’ve dealt with those “demons” and found freedom from them.  Whether people want to agree or not, we are not just physical or emotional—we have a spirit and that spirit can’t be filled or sustained with the materialistic or superficial but by a relationship with God.  If you need examples of this I encourage you to take a look at the millions of people who have tried to fill this void with everything but God and how they are still empty and unfulfilled because they are NEVER satisfied–and you can see the obvious result in society and it’s not a pretty picture.  Something to think about.

Many people are in a very unhealthy relationship and are either unaware of it or so desensitized to it that they are afraid to get out of it.  It can be fairly unsettling when you realize that you’ve allowed yourself to be treated a certain way by someone.  The first step is recognizing that what you are in is unhealthy.  Several years ago I was in an abusive relationship.  I honestly didn’t realize it was abusive, I just figured this is the way guys treat women.  This mindset was based on either what I had seen from my mother’s boyfriends or by people around me.  I was also so very insecure at the time that I honestly believed that I couldn’t get better.  WRONG!  This is the first lie that people (both men and women) believe.  You absolutely can get better…but we’ll get to that later.  The tell tale signs of an abusive/unhealthy relationship:

• your partner has to be with you 24/7 and doesn’t like you going out anywhere without him/her. While we want to think it’s nice that they want to spend time with us, this is classic controlling behaviour.  This is bred from insecurity and mistrust.  If your partner doesn’t have any healthy friendships of their own separate from you…this is a warning sign that something is very wrong.  If your partner can’t trust you to go out by yourself then you are being controlled and this is NOT love it is manipulation.
• control/manipulation- this kind of ties into the previous comment but this is very true.  If your partner makes the final decision on every single little thing without your input or won’t allow your opinion or your decision on anything–then you are being controlled.  This also is NOT love.  Real love isn’t selfish and actually puts the other person first but not at your own expense.  You are not a doormat and someone that truly loves you won’t be so ridiculously selfish.  Eg. they control the finances and get what they want but you never have a say, or they want to buy something but won’t let you use it but you contributed money to it–hello you are being used here.  You are not someone else’s personal piggy bank–if someone wants their partner to financially support him/her then something is wrong.  Both partners need to be contributing something to the relationship.  If that person is almost causing you to be personally bankrupt because of their compulsive/selfish spending then you need to free yourself.
• abusive behaviour-yes everyone has bad days and we sometimes say things we don’t mean but when someone’s behaviour is so volatile that you have no idea what you’re going to come home to then you’re in trouble and need to get out.  There is no excuse for someone putting you down (and believe me I’ve seen women doing this to men–it’s still wrong).  Nobody should be hurling insults at you or swearing at you or making you feel very insignificant.  That is abuse and you should not tolerate it.  The abuser will usually shift the blame on you and make you feel like you deserved it—WRONG!  Even when we all have bad days–nobody deserves us “blowing our stack” at them.  It’s called self-control, get it, learn it, use it.  Believe me, I know, I’ve been there.  If someone’s emotions are that messed up and out of control then they shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.  They need some anger management or some help to get better.  I can’t tell you how many kids go through this every day–and the parents don’t even realize it because they are doing it subconsciously!
• extreme jealousy or insecurity-this is one of the tell tale signs of an unhealthy relationship.  It may feel flattering within the first little bit that your partner may be jealous of your interaction with members of the opposite sex or even the time you spend without them but this is NOT love. There are times when you have to communicate with other men or women that are reasonable, eg. you share a child with your ex.  There is nothing wrong with having an amicable relationship with your ex for your child’s sake, in fact that is the best way to communicate to your child that the break-up wasn’t their fault.  But if your partner is going crazy and doesn’t want you to speak to that person or see that person at all and doesn’t have a sound reason for this—it’s obsessive, possessive behaviour–and warning–it will get worse.  You are not an island…you have to communicate with people every day–you can’t just shut yourself off from the world.  There is nothing wrong with having healthy platonic friendships with other people but there is something wrong when your partner is trying to isolate you from everyone and doesn’t allow you to have some space or time with your real friends.  The key word here is infatuation and infatuation is NOT love.  It’s an obsession with someone else and it gets much worse over time.
• Physical and/or sexual abuse-many people get uncomfortable when this is brought up but it needs to be said.  There are never any excuses for this behaviour.  Nobody should ever hit you or force you to participate in anything sexually–if this is the case then it’s criminal behaviour and you need to get out right away.  The excuse “well you just made me so mad I couldn’t help it” doesn’t fly and it’s been said to me after I was physically assaulted.  Flowers, tears, apologies don’t make up for this behaviour.  Get out and if the person is truly sorry they will get counselling and understand your need to get out of that relationship.  You never deserve that treatment and you should never stand for it, ever.

Ok so once you’ve discovered, realized or acknowledged that you are in an abusive/unhealthy relationship and you actually want to get out of it…there are some steps you need to take.  You may feel overwhelmed, scared, anxious and just plain completely freaked out.  Is there someone or some place you can turn to? If not there are many wonderful organizations and churches that may be able to help you.  Secondly, you need to make some kind of goals or a plan to help you get out of that situation and get some emotional healing so that you don’t have to settle for that again.  For me I had to plan it behind my abuser’s back and then move out without him knowing.  It wasn’t easy because for the longest time he made me believe that I was at fault and that nobody would ever love me.  However I was blessed to have some friends and a church to turn to.  They were able to get me a safe place to live and some counselling to heal from the abuse I suffered.  I’m not saying it’s easy–it can feel comfortable in the chaos because that is all you know but there is so much more waiting for you once you break free from that unhealthy/abusive relationship.  I would encourage anyone in an unhealthy or abusive relationship to seek help right away if you can. 

“All the ways of a man are right in his own eyes but the Lord weighs the motives.” Prov. 16:2
“Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from trouble”. Prov. 21:23
“There are times when our greatest victory comes through our greatest suffering”. (Francis Armstrong, July 27, 2003)
“I am not moved by what I see. I am not moved by what I feel. I am moved by what I believe.” (Smith Wigglesworth)
“Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5b
“For nothing is ever impossible with God and no word from God is without power or impossible of fulfillment.” Luke 1:37 (AMP)
“God gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they are.” Rom. 4:17c

An amateur built an ark that survived a flood while a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
- Bill Swanson

Pain in life is inevitable but misery is optional.

Ok so my opinion today is about the lengths people go to just so that they can fit into what the “media” calls beautiful.  The media and/or fashion industry says that we need to look a certain way to be accepted.  Now I am not suggesting that we don’t take care of ourselves, of course we should.  However, society in general has made people feel so bad about themselves that they are manipulated to think that if we have the right: clothes, hairstyle, butt, chest, lips, …etc we will get that guy or girl that we want.  FALSE!  Anyone who is only into the exterior of a person is not worth having and they won’t stick around for the long-term.  They will ditch you the moment someone “better” comes along.  And I’m not going to buy the lie that most people are only looking to “hook-up” and not have someone to really love.  Most people are looking for a real relationship but if you focus on the external–you’ll never get it.  However, there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.  I believe people should try to exercise and eat healthy.  I’m not advocating an unhealthy lifestyle.  I’m just against a society that makes men and women, boys and girls feel so bad about themselves the way they were originally created that they get liposuction, breast augmentation, botox, steroids, face lifts, hair transplants…etc in order to feel special.  And at the end of the day someone is confronted with the reality that the person they thought was real–wasn’t real at all and that is a sobering thing to contemplate.  My thought about all of this is that proper grooming is good–but altering or enhancing yourself to please someone who may not appreciate you anyway will still leave you feeling void and empty, eg. Pamela Anderson.  She was naturally beautiful before the hair dye, implants, botox, collagen injections and suntans.  However Hollywood manipulated her insecurities and look where she is today: 3 failed marriages, several failed relationships and an obvious inability to retain happiness despite the money, looks and superficiality that Hollywood affords her.  Need I say more?  If only she realized that she doesn’t have to live up to those ridiculous standards to be special and loved.