RUWAGirl: The Blog

Many people are in a very unhealthy relationship and are either unaware of it or so desensitized to it that they are afraid to get out of it.  It can be fairly unsettling when you realize that you’ve allowed yourself to be treated a certain way by someone.  The first step is recognizing that what you are in is unhealthy.  Several years ago I was in an abusive relationship.  I honestly didn’t realize it was abusive, I just figured this is the way guys treat women.  This mindset was based on either what I had seen from my mother’s boyfriends or by people around me.  I was also so very insecure at the time that I honestly believed that I couldn’t get better.  WRONG!  This is the first lie that people (both men and women) believe.  You absolutely can get better…but we’ll get to that later.  The tell tale signs of an abusive/unhealthy relationship:

• your partner has to be with you 24/7 and doesn’t like you going out anywhere without him/her. While we want to think it’s nice that they want to spend time with us, this is classic controlling behaviour.  This is bred from insecurity and mistrust.  If your partner doesn’t have any healthy friendships of their own separate from you…this is a warning sign that something is very wrong.  If your partner can’t trust you to go out by yourself then you are being controlled and this is NOT love it is manipulation.
• control/manipulation- this kind of ties into the previous comment but this is very true.  If your partner makes the final decision on every single little thing without your input or won’t allow your opinion or your decision on anything–then you are being controlled.  This also is NOT love.  Real love isn’t selfish and actually puts the other person first but not at your own expense.  You are not a doormat and someone that truly loves you won’t be so ridiculously selfish.  Eg. they control the finances and get what they want but you never have a say, or they want to buy something but won’t let you use it but you contributed money to it–hello you are being used here.  You are not someone else’s personal piggy bank–if someone wants their partner to financially support him/her then something is wrong.  Both partners need to be contributing something to the relationship.  If that person is almost causing you to be personally bankrupt because of their compulsive/selfish spending then you need to free yourself.
• abusive behaviour-yes everyone has bad days and we sometimes say things we don’t mean but when someone’s behaviour is so volatile that you have no idea what you’re going to come home to then you’re in trouble and need to get out.  There is no excuse for someone putting you down (and believe me I’ve seen women doing this to men–it’s still wrong).  Nobody should be hurling insults at you or swearing at you or making you feel very insignificant.  That is abuse and you should not tolerate it.  The abuser will usually shift the blame on you and make you feel like you deserved it—WRONG!  Even when we all have bad days–nobody deserves us “blowing our stack” at them.  It’s called self-control, get it, learn it, use it.  Believe me, I know, I’ve been there.  If someone’s emotions are that messed up and out of control then they shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.  They need some anger management or some help to get better.  I can’t tell you how many kids go through this every day–and the parents don’t even realize it because they are doing it subconsciously!
• extreme jealousy or insecurity-this is one of the tell tale signs of an unhealthy relationship.  It may feel flattering within the first little bit that your partner may be jealous of your interaction with members of the opposite sex or even the time you spend without them but this is NOT love. There are times when you have to communicate with other men or women that are reasonable, eg. you share a child with your ex.  There is nothing wrong with having an amicable relationship with your ex for your child’s sake, in fact that is the best way to communicate to your child that the break-up wasn’t their fault.  But if your partner is going crazy and doesn’t want you to speak to that person or see that person at all and doesn’t have a sound reason for this—it’s obsessive, possessive behaviour–and warning–it will get worse.  You are not an island…you have to communicate with people every day–you can’t just shut yourself off from the world.  There is nothing wrong with having healthy platonic friendships with other people but there is something wrong when your partner is trying to isolate you from everyone and doesn’t allow you to have some space or time with your real friends.  The key word here is infatuation and infatuation is NOT love.  It’s an obsession with someone else and it gets much worse over time.
• Physical and/or sexual abuse-many people get uncomfortable when this is brought up but it needs to be said.  There are never any excuses for this behaviour.  Nobody should ever hit you or force you to participate in anything sexually–if this is the case then it’s criminal behaviour and you need to get out right away.  The excuse “well you just made me so mad I couldn’t help it” doesn’t fly and it’s been said to me after I was physically assaulted.  Flowers, tears, apologies don’t make up for this behaviour.  Get out and if the person is truly sorry they will get counselling and understand your need to get out of that relationship.  You never deserve that treatment and you should never stand for it, ever.

Ok so once you’ve discovered, realized or acknowledged that you are in an abusive/unhealthy relationship and you actually want to get out of it…there are some steps you need to take.  You may feel overwhelmed, scared, anxious and just plain completely freaked out.  Is there someone or some place you can turn to? If not there are many wonderful organizations and churches that may be able to help you.  Secondly, you need to make some kind of goals or a plan to help you get out of that situation and get some emotional healing so that you don’t have to settle for that again.  For me I had to plan it behind my abuser’s back and then move out without him knowing.  It wasn’t easy because for the longest time he made me believe that I was at fault and that nobody would ever love me.  However I was blessed to have some friends and a church to turn to.  They were able to get me a safe place to live and some counselling to heal from the abuse I suffered.  I’m not saying it’s easy–it can feel comfortable in the chaos because that is all you know but there is so much more waiting for you once you break free from that unhealthy/abusive relationship.  I would encourage anyone in an unhealthy or abusive relationship to seek help right away if you can. 

“All the ways of a man are right in his own eyes but the Lord weighs the motives.” Prov. 16:2
“Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from trouble”. Prov. 21:23
“There are times when our greatest victory comes through our greatest suffering”. (Francis Armstrong, July 27, 2003)
“I am not moved by what I see. I am not moved by what I feel. I am moved by what I believe.” (Smith Wigglesworth)
“Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5b
“For nothing is ever impossible with God and no word from God is without power or impossible of fulfillment.” Luke 1:37 (AMP)
“God gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they are.” Rom. 4:17c

An amateur built an ark that survived a flood while a large group of professionals built the Titanic.
- Bill Swanson

Pain in life is inevitable but misery is optional.

Ok so my opinion today is about the lengths people go to just so that they can fit into what the “media” calls beautiful.  The media and/or fashion industry says that we need to look a certain way to be accepted.  Now I am not suggesting that we don’t take care of ourselves, of course we should.  However, society in general has made people feel so bad about themselves that they are manipulated to think that if we have the right: clothes, hairstyle, butt, chest, lips, …etc we will get that guy or girl that we want.  FALSE!  Anyone who is only into the exterior of a person is not worth having and they won’t stick around for the long-term.  They will ditch you the moment someone “better” comes along.  And I’m not going to buy the lie that most people are only looking to “hook-up” and not have someone to really love.  Most people are looking for a real relationship but if you focus on the external–you’ll never get it.  However, there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.  I believe people should try to exercise and eat healthy.  I’m not advocating an unhealthy lifestyle.  I’m just against a society that makes men and women, boys and girls feel so bad about themselves the way they were originally created that they get liposuction, breast augmentation, botox, steroids, face lifts, hair transplants…etc in order to feel special.  And at the end of the day someone is confronted with the reality that the person they thought was real–wasn’t real at all and that is a sobering thing to contemplate.  My thought about all of this is that proper grooming is good–but altering or enhancing yourself to please someone who may not appreciate you anyway will still leave you feeling void and empty, eg. Pamela Anderson.  She was naturally beautiful before the hair dye, implants, botox, collagen injections and suntans.  However Hollywood manipulated her insecurities and look where she is today: 3 failed marriages, several failed relationships and an obvious inability to retain happiness despite the money, looks and superficiality that Hollywood affords her.  Need I say more?  If only she realized that she doesn’t have to live up to those ridiculous standards to be special and loved.

School of Life: Ryan Reynolds is in this movie and it’s quite poignant.  I was suprised at how great this was but it didn’t get much media fanfare. 

Definitely Maybe: Another Ryan Reynolds movie.  Great movie.  Funny.  I have to say that I like most of the movies that he stars in, save a few.

The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A Veggie Tales Movie: This was a great movie.  Yes it’s a kid’s flick but it was hilarious and yet had a good message.  I saw it in the theatre and every adult in there was laughing out loud.  Since when is it bad to have some good morals?  Maybe I don’t want my kid to be “brainwashed” with vulgarity, coarse language and violence by the time she’s 8.  Seriously, rent it or buy it if you have kids–worth the investment.

more to come… later

• the B-I-B-L-E -which is the book for me :) 
• Honor’s Reward, Driven by Eternity by John Bevere 
• Kissed The Girl’s And Made Them Cry, Lisa Bevere
• Learning How To Trust Again by Ed Delph
• The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren
• Stress Less by Dr. Don Colbert (MD)
• When God Writes Your Love Story by Leslie & Eric Ludy
• The Ultimate Comeback & The God Chasers by Tommy Tenney
• Silencing the Enemy by Robert Gay
• Beauty For Ashes and The Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer…etc

Christian, Rock, Alternative, Dance, Pop,…etc
Chris Tomlin, Kutless, Superchick, Barlow Girl, Third Day, David Crowder Band, Santus Real, Casting Crowns, Big Daddy Weave, Thousand Foot Krutch, Plumb, TobyMac, Tait, Jars of Clay, 12 Stones, Audio Adrenaline, Daughtry, Lifehouse, Rebecca St. James, Newsboys, Hillsong, Stacie Orrico, Pillar, POD, Falling Up, Skillet, Zoegirl, Switchfoot, Creed, Steven Curtis Chapman, 38th Parallel, Big Dismal, Kim Walker & Jesus Culture…too many to list them all!
…more to be added later!

An action starts off as a thought.  Right actions are going to follow right thoughts.  Thoughts are determined by what is deposited into your heart by the things you listen to, watch or speak.  Garbage in-garbage out.  People can dispute this all they want but it doesn’t take a genius to see the validity of this statement by what people do and their thought processes that led to their actions.  What I find most interesting is that most people don’t want to be accountable for their actions.  It’s so much easier to blame the other people, hurts, bad circumstances…etc.  Bottom line…where we are today is a direct result of the choices we have personally made.  It is true that you can’t help the fact that people will hurt you and let you down.  What you can help is the attitude you address those disappointments with.  You will either learn from them or allow them to destroy you.  I have learned from previous experience that the best choice is to learn and grow from disappointments.  I used to allow disappointment to fester instead of appropriately dealing with it and the next thing you know it started to manifest in extreme anger or rage.  In the midst of my pain I made some very bad choices for my life and I have spent the last 18 months trying to get back to where I should’ve been all along.  Creflo Dollar makes a very good point, he said that when you turn onto the wrong path and realize after however long you’re on it that you’ve made a mistake and decide to get on the right path…it takes time to get back to where you went off the right path.  Whatever time you lost needs to be made up for and everyone just expects that when we make things right–everything will just happen suddenly.  Sometimes by God’s grace it does but the reality is that we have to live with some of the consequences of our mistakes.  We will reap what we sow and this is a process.  So just because the crop doesn’t arrive the next day doesn’t mean it won’t show up at all.  Taking responsibility for your mistakes is hard, very sobering and it hurts.  But the great thing about this kind of hurt is that the healing process involves properly cleaning the wound so that when it does heal there is no infection and you make better choices the next time around (if you learn the lesson properly with a good attitude).  Thank God I came to my senses and stopped allowing the disappointments, hurts, lies and/or betrayals poison me with bitterness.  And I’ve learned some very valuable lessons and received healing from the very things that were meant to destroy me.  From all of this I can say with all certainty that the past is behind me along with its failures, mistakes, bad choices, unfruitful endeavours, regrets, bad relationships and disappointments.  My prayer is that I can somehow help others avoid making the same mistakes that I’ve made.